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Sunday, May 24th, 2009
8:07 pm - If you look long enough into the void the void begins to look back through you.
Hello void.

I suppose this is like a message in a bottle thrown into the cold waters of the internet from the lifeless shores of the isle of LJ. I'm not sure if anyone will ever read it.

A lot has changed in my life since I was last active on this thing.

I got married. What was once so very unthinkable to me a short time before became a reality in October of 2008. Wedded bliss has been pretty blissful. It's nice to have some waiting for me to come home at night. Even at the worst, our fights devolve into hysterical laughing.

Sit And Spin closed. It's been almost a year and I still don't know how I feel about this. For nearly a decade of my life, like it or not, it was a large part of my personal identity. Even as I have to deal with the redefinition of myself, I also have to deal with what feels like a death to me. I'm near the end of the grief process and I'm pretty used to once again being rather unremarkable.

Well... except to this guy :

My wife and I had our first child on April 8th of 2009. His name is Foster and I know I might be a little biased, but I think he's the cutest kid in the history of the world. After 9 months you think you have your mind wrapped pretty well around the idea of being a father. Then when they place your child in your arms you realize you hadn't even come close to doing so. Every day he is an adventure.

And that's what I've been up to.



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Saturday, July 26th, 2008
7:59 pm - So...
By the end of August 2008, Sit And Spin will be closed. Ironically, it will mark the nine year anniversary. Please stop by.

current mood: disappointed

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Thursday, September 20th, 2007
1:44 pm - We're back!
Sit And Spin reopened officially last Saturday. Come in and buy something.

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1:32 pm
Here is how it works. Copy this list. Leave in the bands you've seen
perform live. Delete the ones you haven't and add new ones that you
have seen until you reach 25. An asterisk means the previous person
had it on their list. Two asterisks means the last two people who did
this before you had that band on their list.

1. Dinosaur Jr*
2. The Ramones
3. Shellac
5. The Donnas**
6. 108***
7. Leatherface
8. Fugazi
9. Kool Keith
10. Leatherface
11. Descendents
12. Bad Brains
13. Shelter***
14. Danzig
15. Superchunk
16. Underdog
17. Quicksand
18. Built To Spill
19. Circle Jerks
20. At The Drive-In
21. Gorilla Biscuits
22. Jealous Sound
23. Warzone**
24. Body Count
25. Death Cab For Cutie

current mood: tired

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Wednesday, May 9th, 2007
7:56 am - Convince yourself that everything is alright... because it already is
For the first time in my life, I feel like I'm breaking out of the rut I've found myself in so long. Not only have I found the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with, but finally my career is headed in the direction I hoped it would when I graduated nearly 8 years ago.

My grandfather always used to say, "Sometimes a knock down is a step up." I always knew what he meant, but more often in my life a knock down was usually just a knock down.

About a month the company decided to hire an "IT Manger". He is less educated than me, doesn't know the first thing about management, and I question his IT knowledge. I felt completely "knocked down" every day at work. Then last week, out of sheer frustration with the situation, I decided I'd talk with the head of another department about some positions he had open.

Yesterday I was offered a developer trainee position at our company. The position includes a 21% wage increase. After three months, I'll be offered a fulltime developer position, where I can make up to 75% more than I make at my current position. More important than the money is that I'll be doing what I actually wanted to do with my degree, and I'll feel much more fulfilled doing it.

Here's to stepping up.

current mood: optimistic

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Monday, April 30th, 2007
3:42 pm
Since most people who know me well might think my previous post is a load of shit, I submit photographic evidence.

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9:09 am
So the last time I posted anything here was 8 days before I would have a life changing event. I would meet a person that would alter everything I thought I knew about myself and the way I thought I could feel about another human being. It immediately felt like I knew this person forever. Everything felt different. Within a week I knew she would be the woman I would be with forever. A passing day feels like weeks, weeks months, months years. On April 13th I asked her on a date for the rest of her life. She accepted.

current mood: content

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Sunday, January 21st, 2007
7:09 pm
I think the sound that a paint roller makes as it's paint is gently ripped from it's nap, echoing through an empty house, is the loneliest sound I've ever heard.

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Thursday, January 18th, 2007
8:10 am - This normal life is not so simple.
Mortgages, lawsuits, and late night band practices will be the death of me.

current mood: sleepy

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Saturday, January 6th, 2007
7:59 pm - What's it mean for the kids in America?
I was playing guitar in the back of the store earlier today when two young girls came in. Upon noticing, I stopped playing, put down my guitar, and walked to the front of the store. As I was doing so the one girl says, "were you playing Guitar Hero?" At first I was taken shocked. Did she know the inner workings of my mind? My delusions of rock stardom? The guitar heroism that only exists in the deep recesses of my dreams?!?!

Then I realized she was referring to the video game.

I told her that I was in fact playing real guitar, which she quickly dismissed with an, “oh.”

A few hours later some other guy asked me if I ever played Guitar Hero. I simply responded, "No."

It's kind of sad that kids are becoming so detached from art, and the creation of it, that they feel that playing a video game is pretty much the same thing.

current mood: worried

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Thursday, December 28th, 2006
1:05 pm - Every day feels like...

current mood: sleepy

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Monday, December 25th, 2006
3:51 pm - It doesn't matter if it's real or not
From the tender age of 5 until I graduated high school, I was forced to go to Catholic schools. I even accidentally went to a Catholic college for two years. Despite my constant complaining that I wanted to go to public school with my neighborhood friends, it probably wasn't that bad. Well, it was bad, but probably no more worse for me than if I had gone to a public school. In retrospect, I'm glad I didn't go to public schools.

What really scarred me in childhood wasn't school, it was church. Just hearing my parents say the word "church" would create sick feeling of dread in my stomach. I hated going.

For those not familiar with the finer points of a Catholic Mass, let me fill you in. It's an hour of cycles of standing/sitting/kneeling punctuated with droning prayer and off key singing. For me this was normally prefaced with an hour of screaming about us not wanting to go, which one of us wasn't dressed appropriately, and how we were going to be late. This fiasco was in my cards for every Sunday as a kid.

By the Catholic definition of "Mass", it is supposed to be a celebration; however I always found it more akin to self-flagellating suffering. My experience was probably worse than most. With my undiagnosed ADD, every minute seemed like an eternity in hell. If I were to rest my butt on the pew during one of the drawn out kneeling sessions my mother would pinch the back of my arm while angrily whispering "Get up!" If my knee would start bouncing due to my unbridled kid energy, my mother would put her hand on my leg and angrily whisper "Stop!" If my siblings and I would get in a fight during, my mother would angrily whisper "Quit it!" and proceed to scold us on the car ride home about how embarrassing we are. We'd try not to laugh.

I'd try as hard as my little kid heart could to be good. I really did. I would gaze listlessly at beautiful stained glass windows that lined the sides of the church and poured in colored light. I would scrutinize at the large mosaic behind the alter, wondering how long it took to make and if any of the small colored glass titles ever fell off. In my adolescence I would check out girls, and if they were in front of me their asses. I'd then lament the eternity I'd spend in hell for checking out girls in church. But mostly I'd zone out and daydream about skateboarding or whatever I was into at the time.

There was a clock on the choir loft in the back of the church, which was so tempting to me. Only problem was I'd have to turn completely around to see it. I'd have to trying to time it when my parents weren't paying attention. There were also certain points in the mass that would clue me in to how much more I'd have to endure. The homily meant that it was half done. The Communion meant I was nearly done with my religious prison sentence.

Over time my parents relaxed on the Sunday mass thing. Eventually, only going on the obligatory Christmas and Easter, and then not even doing that so much. With the exception of weddings and funerals I haven't been in church much, if at all in the past 10 years. When my parents asked me to go with them this year, I was fairly unexcited, but since they've helped me a lot in the past year I decided to not put up much of a fight.

Apparently the church they had tandem massing going. One in the church and another, more child oriented, in the parish hall across the street. My parents opted for the kid's mass, which was fine by me. I'd take crying kids over rigid formality any day.

I felt like I was in a time warp when I walked in. It was the first time in over a decade I had been in the place where I had gym for eight years growing up. It still even smelled the same.

Since it was in the hall, the kneeling was replaced with standing. The nervous energy that I overflowed with as a child has long since been replaced with a sleepy grogginess. Since my bother and sister have their own little families, they weren't there to fuck around with. There was nothing pretty to look at, so I looked around and marveled that everything was exactly the same. From the scoreboard, to the banners, to the brown acoustical material on the walls. No girls to check out meant no hell to lament. I didn't have to turn around to see what time it was, just look at my watch. I still felt a little guilty doing it.

Time went by much faster than it ever had as a child. I had only a vague recollection of when to sit and stand and the recited verses (none of which I even attempted, but I did laugh to myself whenever my father messed a line up). The homily was smack on the half hour mark as I remembered.

Mass always concludes with something along the lines of, "The mass has ended, go forth in peace to love and serve the Lord", which is responded to by the congregation with, "Thanks be to God!" As a kid, I always fumbled through the other crap throughout the ceremony, but was exclamatory about the last line, because, well... I really thankful it was over. I still was.

Merry Christmas and shit.

current mood: tired

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Friday, December 22nd, 2006
1:18 pm - Constants aren't so constant anymore
I think maybe we have one point in our life that we see as our shining moment. A part where we felt most defined and comfortable. Everything before was just an attempt to achieve that, and everything after is an attempt to either hold on to it or come to grips with the fact it's gone. The sad part is, we don't realize the moment until it's past.

current mood: listless

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Tuesday, December 19th, 2006
3:20 pm - What you can get me for X-Mas

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Thursday, December 7th, 2006
12:02 am - ugh
I hate my hair and I'm open to suggestions. So suggest!

current mood: aggravated

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Thursday, October 5th, 2006
12:07 am
if i could be anywhere and feel at home
and be without anyone without feeling alone
and do anything knowing it's all right
i'll keep you in mind
don't want to spend my time looking ahead or back
it keeps me busy just wondering where the hell i'm at
i don't want to talk because i don't want to argue
it'll just confuse me anyway
i've got my reasons for not being understanding and saying all the fucked up things i say
i've been holding back the motion in my mind for so long
i can't always tell when something has gone wrong
if things get simple now i'd probably lose my mind
little girl you're so afraid
no matter what i say you don't believe me

current mood: drained

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Wednesday, August 30th, 2006
10:54 pm - I know you're out there, I know you're gone...
Music, being omnipresent and being the driving force in my life since I was 10, has created a road map of my life laid out in notes and chords. Certain songs and albums transport me to places on that map I haven't been in years.

In high school, Sean and I listened to a lot of Dinosaur Jr. My favorite album was "You're Living All Over Me", his was "Bug". "Where You Been" came out in our senior year. We didn't really like it that much. I wore my "girl hugging ogre" shirt probably way too much. I think I still have that somewhere.

Things have changed a lot since then. I've come to appreciate "Were You Been". I've found out that all the songs that I thought were drug induced psychedelic trips weren't, because J Mascis has been straight edge since the early 80s. It's only been three years, but I've never come to fully to grips. Tomorrow our favorite Dinosaur Jr lineup is playing here and there's a weird, naive, and pathetic part of me that hopes I'll see him there. That he didn't kill himself. That what I read and what everyone told me was somehow wrong. That there was a mixed up.

When they play "Freak Scene", I know you'll hear it. I know you're out there.

current mood: sad

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Monday, August 28th, 2006
10:59 pm
"So I start this Wednesday. I hope it doesn't suck too badly."

Those were the last words in my entry from April 24th regarding a difficult job decision. Turns out, it sucked pretty bad.

I picked the job that offered me more money and stability with hopes of advancing my career. Turns out when they told me there was room to learn and grow at the position, they were full of shit. This realization was made at the end of the first day when I inquired about movement in the company to other positions. "I've been trying to move to something else for four years". Fuck.

I was totally fucking miserable. I felt like I had taken a huge step backwards in my career. Back to doing something I hated and quit seven years ago. I actually had nightmares about it. In true Martin fashion, I decided to suck it up, make the best of it and try to get the fuck out of there. Everyday was misery.

Then one day my cell phone rang. It was Mike wondering if I was still interested in the other job. He told me he guy they had hired flaked out and they needed a replacement and since they needed to replace him quick, they would be able to offer more money. I basked in the glory that was the first time in my life that something worked out.

So I've been working there for a while now, where I get paid to hang out with Mike, fuck with computers, and wear my Descendents Vans to work.

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Friday, June 23rd, 2006
8:55 am
I've had three nights of consecutive weird and disturbing dreams. Normally I don’t have dreams I remember, so it’s kind of odd. I wonder what crazy shit my subconscious has in store for me tonight.

current mood: tired

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Wednesday, June 14th, 2006
7:53 am

I don't know how a band playing their first show got billing over us (fuck you, John!), but whatever. I'm just glad to play.

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